Midgets Anonymous.

June 22, 2004

Well, back from the wedding.

Just give me a minute to compose myself so I can get this out.
I scuffed my shoe.
Holy f@#^ing s%@t!!! After all the g%@$&*^ed work I put into it!!! C&#T! S#*T! G#@RGE B^&H! BA$&#RA STR#^&AND!


At least the suit turned out much better than I expected, almost too good. I’ll kick myself later for saying that. I must say I did look quite dashing. It’s a pity that the rest of this country has a retarded sense of style. I could have sworn I saw someone there in yellow gumboots and a luminous green shirt. Don’t ask. My gay alter-ego turned around and had a hissy fit.

Okay, I’m going to say this once.

I am bald. I shave my head. I do it because I like it. It is who I am. You’ve seen me like this before. I was bald when you saw me eight years ago. I was bald when you saw me two months ago at the engagement party. And yes, I’m still bald. But thanks for pointing it out to me again. I really appreciate it. I never tire of having it pointed out to me. If you hadn’t, I might have forgotten. And then I might have panicked when I found that I’d lost my hair. And had a coronary and died. And then you’d come to my funeral and have another opportunity to comment on my baldness.

‘Cor! You have no hair!

Yes I know. Shut up.

The wedding service lasted an hour and a half. It was excruciating. Remind me never to choose a traditional Roman Catholic service for my wedding. In fact, if I ever contemplate marriage, shoot me. Preferably with a really cool gun, like a .50 calibre Barret. Oh, and don’t you just love watching the bride and groom getting advice from a Catholic priest. I mean, the guy is celibate (supposedly), doesn’t smoke (maybe), doesn’t drink (yeah… right) and he gives advice on life and marriage. Um, I don’t know about you, but I’d rather get advice from an ex-alcoholic, twice divorced seaman with five illegitimate children, a substance abuse problem, a third wife, two mistresses and warrants out for his arrest. Chances are that this guys done shit and is in a position to give practical first-hand advice on Life.

The rest of the evening was quite nice, if a little boring. Was mildly disappointed that there didn’t seem to be any attractive women my age at this wedding, at least not any that weren’t already related to me in some way. While I may be the Black Sheep of the family, I do draw the line at committing incest at my cousin’s wedding. Still, did manage to amuse myself for the entire evening. And manage to fake phone calls periodically, in order to get out and compose myself before throwing myself back into the fray. And managed to bypass the dancing altogether, though there was a pretty close moment when I saw an aunt start eyeing me from the dance floor, then my cousin (the groom), then his new wife, then my other cousin and then I faked a phone call and got as far away from there as possible without actually leaving the building, which in this case was a broom closet on the 9th floor. I returned a while later in time to watch the happy couple on their way out, stopping frequently for rather ‘interesting’ photo opportunities, and the requisite ragging incidents.

So, now that that’s over I believe I have about 4 months till the next wedding, and I might be called upon to help in the planning of this one, so I’m sure I’ll at least be able to steer it away from the madness that usually infests weddings in this country.

Watched Kill Bill again over the weekend. Currently looking for the soundtrack. Watched Vol. 2, but not quite as enamoured with it.

Need sleep.

In other news, Andy Kaufman has returned. And he’s got a blog.

May your Gophers be Damned.


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