Cyclic Despondancy

February 23, 2004

Ever had one of those days when it just feels like you’ve completely fucked up your life beyond recognition? And that nothing you do could possibly patch things up so you might as well find a heavy blunt object and just go postal. Well, I had one of those days about 2 weeks ago. And it’s still going strong. I hate being depressed but when I look back on my life it is my most predominant state of being. I guess I’ve never really come to terms with my loneliness, stifled creativity, physical disfigurement and failure in just about anything I’ve attempted. I guess I’ve spent so long doing what other people want and shoving myself out of the picture that I’ve forgotten who I am and in doing so resenting myself and everything else in my life because of it. It sometimes amazes me that I’ve survived so long and achieved so little, though I suppose that’s an achievement in itself. Well, apart from that nervous breakdown two years ago.

Was it two years ago? I can’t remember. You’d think you’d remember something like that but the details are hazy, like the memory is so scary that my mind shuts down when I try to think about it. How does one know if one is having a nervous breakdown? Or if it’s over? I think I realized it was happening in July ’02, but I don’t know when it began or if it ever ended. It might have gone away. It might be back for a visit, and no, it didn’t bring chocolates this time either. I was always good at hiding my feelings from people, even from myself never really know when it started. Could have been months or even years before I realized. How does one realize that one is mad? Insane? Is it around the time one starts hearing voices? When one bursts into tears in the middle of a Friends marathon? When one realizes that one hasn’t seen another living soul for two weeks?

I’ll be moving into a new place in a week. It’s the first time I’ve lived entirely on my own, and I think it will do me some good. The house is pretty basic and a little further from civilisation than I would like, but I hardly ever see anyone as it is so I don’t see any changes there. But it’ll give me time to get back to drawing seriously, and it’s got a servicable kitchen so I might be able to do some cooking after oh, so long. And the quiet will hopefully help me get some writing started. I see that, more than anything else, as what will one day define me. And once I finish that programming job I should have enough money to hire a piano. It’s been a year and a half since I’ve last had access to one and it hurts that I cannot make music. And the new place has a big ass TV, so if I do crash at least I’ll have some entertainment.

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